Let’s

IMG_8552.JPGLet’s sit and talk
Reminisce about the days
Days of love and laughter
When heartache was just a nightmare,
Let’s sit by the river
And watch it move calmly
Like how our love was supposed to be,
Look me in the eye and tell me it’s not over.

An untitled love poem

Come, my sweet darling
Lay with me till the morning,
Fill my nostrils with your scent
Pass your great love to me
With every kiss, satisfy me.

Thoughts of you keep me awake
Eyes open at 2am,
I stare at the moon and think of you
And when I wake up my days aren’t blue.

My love, I wait
For the day we meet again
To feel the touch of your fingers on me
And kiss you passionately like it’s our last.

This great love spell you cast
Even when you’re away
And can’t see me through the mist of life,
Your love still radiates
Unveiling itself in small gestures
Keeping my smile awake in the dark
As bright as the moon at 2am.

I Dream

I dream of no boundaries,
The universe in its entirety,
Strolling through the heavens
Playing with the stars,
I dream of the Ocean
Beneath the ships where everything is
Always in motion,
And living under the sea,
I dream of love
Love where the bond is as strong as vines
Hanging from trees of the world that surrounds
Love to make me smile,
Tell me beautiful stories before I sleep
So I dream the dream that was meant to be,
I dream of perfectly lit streets
Holding hands and sharing a moment,
In time and space
Waiting to leave this world
While loving another soul.

About Depression and Apologies

Apologies are things we say/do to make ourselves feel better because once the other person says “it’s okay” it’s like your sins are forgiven and the world is at peace again. Some people just say that because they don’t have the strength to start an argument over it or they know that it’ll happen again at some point and sometimes they just want to let it go.

I’ve made countless of mistakes in my life, my biggest one being not showing appreciation for the good that is done for me. It’s because sometimes when we love someone we expect them to understand everything about us even our sadness and we expect them to accept our sadness while it hurts them. Sometimes we’re so filled with negativity that we forget to show appreciation and this appreciation is not shown by saying ‘thank you’ or ‘I’m glad’, it’s shown by making effort to be positive and live the way the person who loves you wants you to.

Negativity doesn’t just come and neither does it just disappear. In other words, negativity is depression. You feel as if you don’t deserve anything, that no one needs you and that you don’t matter. It develops from incidents of being made fun of how you look, your body weight or what you don’t know even if it’s something that qualifies as crap in your mind. Through all that, depression happens and you feel empty inside. Someone comes to your life and makes you the happiest you’ve ever been and for once you try to be happy but the negativity catches up and you fail to live in a way that gives the other person peace therefore driving them away.

Now, I know what you think ‘she’s no psychology expert.’ Yes, I’m not. I’m just a young woman who’s trying to get out of her depression. Some people who think they know me might say this is not true but it is. For the most part of my teens I wasn’t happy with my life simply because I didn’t have something or someone next to me. At some point I concluded that I was meant to be alone so I tried finding my own peace by isolating myself but that led me to a dark place where I was suicidal. I thought this world wasn’t for me and maybe if I go I wouldn’t feel the pain I’ve been feeling anymore. Now that I think of it I was doing it wrong and I would like to have another try at making my life right.

If you ever feel alone just remember that you’re not. Someone is praying for you to be happy. Be grateful for everything but don’t let your thankfulness end with just saying the words ‘thank you.”

Serenity

IMG_6996Serenity on the outside
With the white ones in place,
On a cold summer evening
Trees move with pace,
Slowly pushing old air away
The scent of sorrowful days.

Home

Home is where I am understood. That’s a good definition but I wouldn’t define the home where I live at as somewhere I’m understood because often times I’m not. Home is where I feel that I belong. Doesn’t matter if it’s a gloomy rainy day or one filled with laughter. My home is where I would be at peace even if the power wasn’t there and the food was too little for all of us to be satisfied.

I guess the idea of ‘home’ develops with time when it comes to home in relation to where our families and friends are. I’ve lived here all my life. However, most people don’t seem to understand that the frown on my face means I should be left alone or that I feel very uncomfortable when people look at my nice lipstick. I’ve been seeing the same streets for days, weeks, months and years. Some things I’ve grown to hate like the littering and the fact that some people don’t seem to care about issues that affect the lives of others like them in the society. Despite all that I still call Dar es Salaam my home. Perhaps I’m just crazy and took this home thing a bit too far. Maybe I should’ve only regarded my family and the people I live with. But still, nothing changes. I argue with my family members sometimes because either I don’t socialize much with guests and it bothers them or my brothers want to watch football all the time.

Looking at the idea of home from a different angle I can also say that home is where the one I love is. I feel that I belong with the one I love so wherever he is I’ll call that home. Even if it’s at a crowded restaurant and the two of us are drinking Coca-Cola over small talk.

Whatever home we have before falling in love still remains to be the home we learn to call home and got comfortable in with time. But that energy between the one I love and I is a different kind of home that not many people are lucky to experience for as long as they want to. And we come back to opening sentence; home is where I am understood therefore I belong there.

An evening walk

A dying a mango leaf with black spots lay on the ground on which I was I walking on. I avoided it and took a turn. I got me thinking about how all things die. But after the long walk I had just taken my mind was more set on appreciating the beauty of the life I have.

I remembered how half an hour ago I heard two or three women laughing loudly for the whole street to hear. I took my mind back to how I used to do the same with my classmates back in secondary school. I miss those times. Everything else didn’t matter. For me, I was convinced that my grades in certain subjects were never gonna change; maths C, English A, etc. It was a boarding school after all so nothing else truly mattered. My parents and siblings were back home, in a city on the other side of the country, twelve hours away by bus. So there was not a moment when I thought ‘man I really need to go home and do something’ because all that seemed impossible from the ground on which my desk was placed at.

So I walked aimlessly in the early evening, the women’s laughs still echoing in my mind as if someone had invisible speakers just next to my ears. At that moment I thought of life on the Swahili coast. Now, the Swahili coast might mean something completely different to some people. To me, the Swahili coast is whatever coast in Tanzania where people mainly speak Swahili and that’s where I currently am. I love it here actually and the thought of leaving makes me question myself about what I’ll remember the most about this place. Maybe it’s the people who always stare on the boat on days I look good and days I don’t or perhaps it’s the smell of overused cooking oil frying fish straight from the Indian Ocean at the ferry in the early evening. So many places and little details get to me that I keep wondering if I’ll ever find a place like my home.

Salt of the Ocean

Down to the ferry

Walking fast, slowing to stare at the ships on the other side

I can’t help but wonder about the people over there

It’s crazy to even think of people being there since the ships seem to be planted on the Ocean’s floor,

I don’t remember the last time I touched the Ocean’s water

But I see it everyday,

Its salty vapor fills my nostrils,

As I walk fast to get to where I need be,

Fast and strong it comes to me

At times making me wish I wasn’t so near

But I love it.

The salt tells stories

Of centuries before this one

When things were different and pain provoked by the dark souls of humans like you and I

Maybe time just made it different now

After all we’re still cruel to one and another

Our tongues and minds scatter away lost stars like us,

Stars wanting to be found.

And even in the deepest oceans the evidence of evil still lives on,

Centuries after countless wars for justice

We’re still the same.

Hence the salt in the Ocean’s air shall prevail

To parade the never-ending tears that we humans shed

In the place that is our home, Earth.

Finding Ideas

The first time I watched the film The Dark Knight Rises I was like “I’m gonna watch this again” but then it was 6am and I needed to go to bed after watching 3 movies in one night. And yes, I used to watch movies till dawn. I love the peace that comes with the night; watching a film in the dark at 2am when everyone else is asleep. Bliss.

I’ve watched The Dark Knight Rises enough times to memorize Commissioner Jim Gordon’s words at Bruce Wayne’s “funeral”,

“I see a beautiful city and a brilliant people; rising from this abyss

I see the lives for which I lay down my life; peaceful, prosperous and happy

I see that I hold a sanctuary in their hearts and in the hearts of their descendants, generations hence

It is a far far better thing that I do than I have ever done

It is a far far better rest that I go to than I have ever known”

 I didn’t know where this came from until I googled it and found out it’s from a Charles Dickens novel, A Tale Of Two Cities. From a movie I found something to read! To me this was very unexpected because up to that point all I ever thought was that books are better than TV and the like so they probably won’t add anything to my life. Well, it’s true to a great extent that books are better as in they make you use your mind more than TV does. But, there’s more to a film than just to tell a story. If storytelling was ever the only agenda in film then we wouldn’t have a lot of dialogue or props, and that’s the stuff that gives film-watchers like me new ideas.

In my opinion, people who are looking to discover things should watch films or read books or even listen to music (or watch music videos). Not just to get the next item on their reading lists but also to discover new things. Sometimes we need a push of some kind or just something to light that bulb above our heads and give us an idea of the next thing to do. For instance, I watched the romantic film Bright Star and apart from all the unbearable emotions it gave me I took away the idea that poetry can be a thing that is taken seriously by people. Where I come from poetry is something you read in literature classes and write an exam on. Basically that’s it. There are a lot of poets out here, but they’re not heard of or maybe it’s just that nobody cares since it’s never been a serious thing around here. But now I do realize that it can be and maybe the situation could change if we put in more effort in our work as how John Keats did in the film. This isn’t just for poetry but for all things we might see as too simple.

Just to add, not every piece of literature is worth watching. In fact, we can’t watch and read everything that’s ever been made. It’s why they make trailers and the like. Watch and read them carefully before deciding whether or not you want to spend 2 hours or a few days on whatever. It doesn’t matter what film genre you’re into, all kinds have something to add to your mind.

Generally, all forms of literature are beautiful-each in their own way.

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